[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.