“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
HERE’S MARKY
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?