mom had nothing to worry about
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Dietest Coke
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Children of the corn 🌽