Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears