Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”