Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
live long and prosper!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.