Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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