Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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You’re doing it wrong
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Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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Aaaa…CHOO!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.