Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.