MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
They’re stuck in your pants?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My dad is at it again
This is the one
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.