every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.