Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.