Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.