Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
North and South
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.