MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
You Might Also Like
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Oops
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.