“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH