Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one