Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.