Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Knock Knock
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?