Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids