Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
mentally somewhere in italy
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.