Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
just got my engagement photos
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.