Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”