[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power