“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
“I’m helping” 😅
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.