Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.