Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A new level of troll.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.