*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Cake!!
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts