@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

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@AdamOfEarth

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@MollyCocktail

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

@GrillinChillin9

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

@musicntats

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

@ZackBornstein

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.