*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”


Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.


ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?


Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.


TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*


Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?