MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second