Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing