Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
gentlemen, hear me out
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?