Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You Might Also Like
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My work here is done
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running