Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Bros before Ohioes
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”