MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT