Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Ha.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!