Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Natural selection at its finest
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.