Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet



Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*


Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.


Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number


I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house


Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.


Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now


What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes