MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.