MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?