Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Tell me you get it…🤣
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.