“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the rocks need my help
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.