MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.