Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.