Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe