Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Don’t snitch tag.