“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I already tried new things thanks.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.