I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”