Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?


Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?


I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.


its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad


If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.


8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!


It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.