Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.