Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.