Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Cardio Made Easy
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?