Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Finally, an explanation.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“you recording!?”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.