MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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smartest karate player in the world
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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